Hardly staple this diet.

I remember reporting Shilpa's first baby to this diary of mine not too long ago. Well she just had her second a couple of days back. Its been so long since I sat here in this chair and blew some music on the speakers to feel good. Things havent been too mind blowing lately. From when I posted last, few good things happened as well but mostly downward. Now its only a matter of time(i hope) when i get out of here. I need something considerable to move to. It is crazily tough to exist here. Leave alone do something creative. Funny being at home I cant find my way home.

Hitting the note

Head On. Again and Again. That is what life is coming to. Unfortunately its the same note. The same decisions which it all boils down to, the same mode that the fingers choose to go to, the same indecisive state of mind that takes over every time and the same shore it choose to come out on every time. Safety. Only in this case safety is reducing me to depression. Not that I have seen many wonders in life that im finding my current days odd, but its just that somewhere inside i know that these are the days to be learning infinitely and im falling short on that. I dont know how it is supposed to be. I thought working with my father would be a safe call to gain enough exposure and learn the ideas of the trade but it turns out he has nothing to give. Safe. Thats where I fail myself. Its always safe. No chances. I think that is why i have had hard luck with the female kind. But then again, how much time have i spent with the female kind? Hardly any. Anyhow, that is besides the point. Where to go is what the killing joke is here. It is funny because the avenues are limitless. But probably none of them are practically liquid. I know this is also because of some good days seen in the past and some bigger dreams that have been envisioned. I also know that this is a bridge to the source which will end sometime. Only dont know when it will do so and i will come out and find that it is the right side with my loved one at my side and enough satisfaction to put my brain into overdrive and my cravings and desires to some extent of fulfillment and then in the distance - a new bridge in sight to face new shatters and challenges and excitements and everything else that comes along with it. I shall walk alone.

Questions

Why does the heart of a son less mom bleed red just like fireworks
goin up on the other end of the town in celebration?

She tried her best to get him to health but as the glistening spectacle shines
in their eyes do they know her condition?

Who would you blame? What would you say? Where would you look? to face upto
her and the millions who cry and weep and point their fingers in your direction?

Is there any way outta here? Or is this it?

Its that time of the 6 months that i write my blog.
Boy these months went by fast. Its been fun. But the one thing i really want to feel happy about aint happening. Musical satisfaction. I know thats an ambitious term but atleast a basic level of which is the mark of every good musician. 2009 is here and im still searching. Its been pretty good till now. Got my hands full and today have even resumed practicing(after a 7 month gap). Hope all this can be carried on. MOR's on its way and things seem to be looking up otherwise as well. Even then, there is this burning desire to get out and make myself. I sometimes wonder if its the oppurtunity thats been taken away or stored away for a later time. I just hope im smart enough to realise when the time comes. The kind of stuff thats happening now is quite ideal if you ask me. The only icing lacking is the presence of the band. A creative outlet. Or something of the sort. Jingles cannot be a solace. Or a commercial album for that matter. I have realised that i need a teacher. Someone who can understand whats actually going on in here. Who can actually get me when i say i dont know how to play guitar. Who can actually clear my learning disabilities wrt something i love the most. And its not math. I probably aint looking hard enough but i guess ive reached a time when i need some EXTRA luck to find these kind of peoples and then in a flash the balls to take the step to forget it all and get down to practice and learning. Ive been waking up everyday for my finger s to go crazy and produce something absolutely crazily beautiful on th e fret board. Not a complaint lord. Just a rant. What I have is truly great though. Thank you. But its killing me this in between phase(i hope) of my pursuit of songrwriting and music creation. I also hope it never ends. What the hell. Cant live without it either. Life it is. Makes us pull our hair out sitting completely still and without moving.

Ghorebund

I have just finished experiencing one of the most soul stirring musical experiences of my 23 year old lifetime. It all started three days ago when my father asked me to listen to one of his former production before we went in to record some Rajasthani folk artistes for our ongoing Folk Fusion project for EMI Virgin. I was listening to a track called 'Ghore bund' on one of the four volumes of the Rajasthani series. Just the sheer raw beauty of the composition and the feeling of being near my country's soul brought tears to my eyes. I was emotionally supercharged and listening to the recording. We then went in to meet the artistes at a hotel in older Delhi. It was an old hotel where all these Rajasthani musicians from the Langa and Manganiar communities were staying. Some had come to perform in Delhi, others were stopping over enroute to some other country abroad. These two communities are famous for producing the best musicians. They were all super happy to see my father as he has worked with them before. After this 4 of them came with us to play on the recording. One of these, the oldest was (Ustad) Haakim Khan. He plays this instrument which many have heard im sure on documentaries on India or Rajasthan. Very few though have actually seen it and the sheer briliance of its live sound. The Khamaycha is a really shabby looking piece as you might see in the pics, but the music it produces is worth a lifetime if i may say so. We had a sitting to decide which tunes go on the CD, and Haakim saheb pulled out some true old timers which surely warmed all our hearts. We finished many really deep tunes which we were speechless to comment upon and I was left in utter dumbfoundness and shock as some of the best music in my life was entering my system. At the end of the second day when both the lead instruments of the Langas and Manganiars(Saarangi and Khamaycha respectively) were finished, it was decided that there shall be two duets featuring both the instruments together. Amongst all this, very casually, the song was decided to be Ghorbund. I missed the proclamation of this decision and had also forgotten what Ghorbund sounded like. When i entered the control room, both the players started playing Ghorbund with the outstanding accompaniment of Mushtaq Khan Manganiar on the Dholak. I was completely frozen when the Saarangi player sang a few strains from the composition. It felt like my head had been turned upside down and was on a call from a parallel existense, a call from the creator it self. I jerked myself out of this state to try and further enjoy the composition. The next few minutes was sheer bliss. Ghorbund is love, faith, tradition, pride, joy and so much more. All of us could only nod our heads in approval. Nothing else. God bless all the folk music and musicians of our country and hope that there is justice done to them in every form. Too bad the world has to hear them on CD/Tape and not live. And i hope we can finish this album soon and show the world what India is about.

Someday

Someday. This word actually is quite parallel to 'sorry' if you ask me. Putting things down to be done at some point in time. Is good until you actually dont give em a serious shot. Ever. I say this because time is not staying back. Today i saw an ad which said spare a thought an get an elder insured. It wont be soon before we are 'elders' and the time to do things is over. I was just imagining just sitting on a rocking chair with friends you loved and sharing memories. It will be all the same except the reactions. There will be no more high fives, no clinking of the glasses, no deafening laughters. Just content sighs. I would cherish every moment of life just like i think i will. Im happy about how i have tackled the 'someday' equation till now. Call it luck, or good timing, i have actually gone out and tried my hand at things which i kept in mind to be done. Not all of course. But at this point in my life all i want to do is to see people happy. There are a million things to do. But the thought that there are these million things to be done brings happiness to me. On the other hand all i see here is people getting angry about how they are not getting to do things which are there to be done. I would love to strike a balance between both. It is such a joy to see people finding joys out of the little things in life. How a baby can open up the heart of the sternest and roughest man on the earth. It is quite a sight. All you can do is-sigh. Hope for more such moments to strike down like lightning and transform all these angry unhappy people in this beautiful world. A recent chat i had with an uncle really made me realise the importance of nature and our co existense with the same. He talked about how he has acheived anything he set his thought on by vibrating with nature and soaking the communication. Crazy. Sounds like something which all of us have experienced but never really paid attention to because it probably wont bring us an material gain. Till now i havent been able to find such moments to observe nature and try to interact, but i sure do hope later in my life my head is mature enough to get into this concept and embrace it. I wonder if there will be any hopes or desires or dreams then. Such a beautiful state of mind i cannot imagine. Only experience.

Home Again

Well,
Five years living on my own. Now im back. Living with folks. Yes, it is taking time to settle down. But the fact that its difficult is good. IS one of the reasons why i left my comfort zone back there. So yeah one step at a time.

Its great to see how everyones moved on. I thought half my day will be spent in stiching up the great divide. But it is'nt bad. Its recovering. Anyway its the mind which is in a divide. Imagine god looking down at all of our heads with our mind in divides. bzzzzzz! A week back someone put it in a term- 'contradiction ' thats what we are. I think that word is quite underrated.

Its weird how 'I' have changed over these years. How i need beer when its hot. To be alone when under pressure. Play my guitar for a living. Its weird but its all good if you ask me. Except on connotation with which i refer to my future.

Thats the only thing im weary about. Im lucky to be bothered about it if you ask me. It freaks the living daylights out of me sometime. Feels good after the feeling exits. Cuz that fear kinda settles down and remains with me. Its becomes a part of me. Subconscious is what they would call it. Pah these complicated words are like chord names. Who gives a damn.

It was sad to leave some things behind. My little red bike was the worst. Six years and it was my only means to everything. To get to the things i love. Beer, My beautiful girl, Music, and what not. To use it till the last moment was my tribute. HA! I know credit goes to the oh so comfortable house that we stayed in and the millions of absolutely crazy things that have taken place there. Houses are like that. Silent observers. I have tried to observe my walls and other things many times. Just cant beat em at it.

As of now life goes on as it is.