Warped conciousness

Last few days, weeks, months, years have been a blurred state of affairs. Seems like ill just snap out of it in an instant. Amazing things have happened in my life. But sometimes when i get out and look at myself from the outside, it seems like that person in front hardly seems to have noticed. I dont like this too much. But as i say this too, its a blur. Im not on smack, neither on any other abuse. I have cut smoking. Drink beer mostly to feel better. Today as I played on stage, i saw my friends, if i could call them, some i love, some i admire, some i hate; they all sat together in sequence. Looking at them cheer made me ask for forgiveness from the almighty. I have a lot of people in my life who i dont like. Thats the way it is. But when some of those people have that glow in their eyes to see you on stage, you feel like slapping urself on your face. Maybe they fake it, thats my biggest fear, actually i know they fake it for the longest time. Why? Leave that aside. But even for the rest of the short time they loved me, It felt good. I was singing my lines, playing my runs, and these aspects of life flashed like the bulbs which were flashing from the front row, and by the time i reached home, these flashes turned into a train which never stopped. I think its minor deceit and lack of character from some( a lot of) people who i thought has tremendous potential has led to this. At this moment i hope this goes away and i mature to find healthy relationships which i cherish in the present and not in the future when they go away or transform into something else. At this moment i'd like to tell you that i never had a best friend and am currently having a slight problem adjusting myself to the attitude of my roommate who is amongst the first friends i ever had and i know him for almost 17 years. Wish i were like calvin. Oooph! these wishes.