Hardly staple this diet.

I remember reporting Shilpa's first baby to this diary of mine not too long ago. Well she just had her second a couple of days back. Its been so long since I sat here in this chair and blew some music on the speakers to feel good. Things havent been too mind blowing lately. From when I posted last, few good things happened as well but mostly downward. Now its only a matter of time(i hope) when i get out of here. I need something considerable to move to. It is crazily tough to exist here. Leave alone do something creative. Funny being at home I cant find my way home.

Hitting the note

Head On. Again and Again. That is what life is coming to. Unfortunately its the same note. The same decisions which it all boils down to, the same mode that the fingers choose to go to, the same indecisive state of mind that takes over every time and the same shore it choose to come out on every time. Safety. Only in this case safety is reducing me to depression. Not that I have seen many wonders in life that im finding my current days odd, but its just that somewhere inside i know that these are the days to be learning infinitely and im falling short on that. I dont know how it is supposed to be. I thought working with my father would be a safe call to gain enough exposure and learn the ideas of the trade but it turns out he has nothing to give. Safe. Thats where I fail myself. Its always safe. No chances. I think that is why i have had hard luck with the female kind. But then again, how much time have i spent with the female kind? Hardly any. Anyhow, that is besides the point. Where to go is what the killing joke is here. It is funny because the avenues are limitless. But probably none of them are practically liquid. I know this is also because of some good days seen in the past and some bigger dreams that have been envisioned. I also know that this is a bridge to the source which will end sometime. Only dont know when it will do so and i will come out and find that it is the right side with my loved one at my side and enough satisfaction to put my brain into overdrive and my cravings and desires to some extent of fulfillment and then in the distance - a new bridge in sight to face new shatters and challenges and excitements and everything else that comes along with it. I shall walk alone.

Questions

Why does the heart of a son less mom bleed red just like fireworks
goin up on the other end of the town in celebration?

She tried her best to get him to health but as the glistening spectacle shines
in their eyes do they know her condition?

Who would you blame? What would you say? Where would you look? to face upto
her and the millions who cry and weep and point their fingers in your direction?

Is there any way outta here? Or is this it?

Its that time of the 6 months that i write my blog.
Boy these months went by fast. Its been fun. But the one thing i really want to feel happy about aint happening. Musical satisfaction. I know thats an ambitious term but atleast a basic level of which is the mark of every good musician. 2009 is here and im still searching. Its been pretty good till now. Got my hands full and today have even resumed practicing(after a 7 month gap). Hope all this can be carried on. MOR's on its way and things seem to be looking up otherwise as well. Even then, there is this burning desire to get out and make myself. I sometimes wonder if its the oppurtunity thats been taken away or stored away for a later time. I just hope im smart enough to realise when the time comes. The kind of stuff thats happening now is quite ideal if you ask me. The only icing lacking is the presence of the band. A creative outlet. Or something of the sort. Jingles cannot be a solace. Or a commercial album for that matter. I have realised that i need a teacher. Someone who can understand whats actually going on in here. Who can actually get me when i say i dont know how to play guitar. Who can actually clear my learning disabilities wrt something i love the most. And its not math. I probably aint looking hard enough but i guess ive reached a time when i need some EXTRA luck to find these kind of peoples and then in a flash the balls to take the step to forget it all and get down to practice and learning. Ive been waking up everyday for my finger s to go crazy and produce something absolutely crazily beautiful on th e fret board. Not a complaint lord. Just a rant. What I have is truly great though. Thank you. But its killing me this in between phase(i hope) of my pursuit of songrwriting and music creation. I also hope it never ends. What the hell. Cant live without it either. Life it is. Makes us pull our hair out sitting completely still and without moving.

Ghorebund

I have just finished experiencing one of the most soul stirring musical experiences of my 23 year old lifetime. It all started three days ago when my father asked me to listen to one of his former production before we went in to record some Rajasthani folk artistes for our ongoing Folk Fusion project for EMI Virgin. I was listening to a track called 'Ghore bund' on one of the four volumes of the Rajasthani series. Just the sheer raw beauty of the composition and the feeling of being near my country's soul brought tears to my eyes. I was emotionally supercharged and listening to the recording. We then went in to meet the artistes at a hotel in older Delhi. It was an old hotel where all these Rajasthani musicians from the Langa and Manganiar communities were staying. Some had come to perform in Delhi, others were stopping over enroute to some other country abroad. These two communities are famous for producing the best musicians. They were all super happy to see my father as he has worked with them before. After this 4 of them came with us to play on the recording. One of these, the oldest was (Ustad) Haakim Khan. He plays this instrument which many have heard im sure on documentaries on India or Rajasthan. Very few though have actually seen it and the sheer briliance of its live sound. The Khamaycha is a really shabby looking piece as you might see in the pics, but the music it produces is worth a lifetime if i may say so. We had a sitting to decide which tunes go on the CD, and Haakim saheb pulled out some true old timers which surely warmed all our hearts. We finished many really deep tunes which we were speechless to comment upon and I was left in utter dumbfoundness and shock as some of the best music in my life was entering my system. At the end of the second day when both the lead instruments of the Langas and Manganiars(Saarangi and Khamaycha respectively) were finished, it was decided that there shall be two duets featuring both the instruments together. Amongst all this, very casually, the song was decided to be Ghorbund. I missed the proclamation of this decision and had also forgotten what Ghorbund sounded like. When i entered the control room, both the players started playing Ghorbund with the outstanding accompaniment of Mushtaq Khan Manganiar on the Dholak. I was completely frozen when the Saarangi player sang a few strains from the composition. It felt like my head had been turned upside down and was on a call from a parallel existense, a call from the creator it self. I jerked myself out of this state to try and further enjoy the composition. The next few minutes was sheer bliss. Ghorbund is love, faith, tradition, pride, joy and so much more. All of us could only nod our heads in approval. Nothing else. God bless all the folk music and musicians of our country and hope that there is justice done to them in every form. Too bad the world has to hear them on CD/Tape and not live. And i hope we can finish this album soon and show the world what India is about.

Someday

Someday. This word actually is quite parallel to 'sorry' if you ask me. Putting things down to be done at some point in time. Is good until you actually dont give em a serious shot. Ever. I say this because time is not staying back. Today i saw an ad which said spare a thought an get an elder insured. It wont be soon before we are 'elders' and the time to do things is over. I was just imagining just sitting on a rocking chair with friends you loved and sharing memories. It will be all the same except the reactions. There will be no more high fives, no clinking of the glasses, no deafening laughters. Just content sighs. I would cherish every moment of life just like i think i will. Im happy about how i have tackled the 'someday' equation till now. Call it luck, or good timing, i have actually gone out and tried my hand at things which i kept in mind to be done. Not all of course. But at this point in my life all i want to do is to see people happy. There are a million things to do. But the thought that there are these million things to be done brings happiness to me. On the other hand all i see here is people getting angry about how they are not getting to do things which are there to be done. I would love to strike a balance between both. It is such a joy to see people finding joys out of the little things in life. How a baby can open up the heart of the sternest and roughest man on the earth. It is quite a sight. All you can do is-sigh. Hope for more such moments to strike down like lightning and transform all these angry unhappy people in this beautiful world. A recent chat i had with an uncle really made me realise the importance of nature and our co existense with the same. He talked about how he has acheived anything he set his thought on by vibrating with nature and soaking the communication. Crazy. Sounds like something which all of us have experienced but never really paid attention to because it probably wont bring us an material gain. Till now i havent been able to find such moments to observe nature and try to interact, but i sure do hope later in my life my head is mature enough to get into this concept and embrace it. I wonder if there will be any hopes or desires or dreams then. Such a beautiful state of mind i cannot imagine. Only experience.

Home Again

Well,
Five years living on my own. Now im back. Living with folks. Yes, it is taking time to settle down. But the fact that its difficult is good. IS one of the reasons why i left my comfort zone back there. So yeah one step at a time.

Its great to see how everyones moved on. I thought half my day will be spent in stiching up the great divide. But it is'nt bad. Its recovering. Anyway its the mind which is in a divide. Imagine god looking down at all of our heads with our mind in divides. bzzzzzz! A week back someone put it in a term- 'contradiction ' thats what we are. I think that word is quite underrated.

Its weird how 'I' have changed over these years. How i need beer when its hot. To be alone when under pressure. Play my guitar for a living. Its weird but its all good if you ask me. Except on connotation with which i refer to my future.

Thats the only thing im weary about. Im lucky to be bothered about it if you ask me. It freaks the living daylights out of me sometime. Feels good after the feeling exits. Cuz that fear kinda settles down and remains with me. Its becomes a part of me. Subconscious is what they would call it. Pah these complicated words are like chord names. Who gives a damn.

It was sad to leave some things behind. My little red bike was the worst. Six years and it was my only means to everything. To get to the things i love. Beer, My beautiful girl, Music, and what not. To use it till the last moment was my tribute. HA! I know credit goes to the oh so comfortable house that we stayed in and the millions of absolutely crazy things that have taken place there. Houses are like that. Silent observers. I have tried to observe my walls and other things many times. Just cant beat em at it.

As of now life goes on as it is.

Avial

I had written this long back when i was still under the high of watching this band perform. Here it is:
NADA NADA
Well, all those musician and self proclaimed institutionalised gods of the Indian independent scene can do just that-take a hike. I really do not know what it was yesterday. I have seen so many bands play on stage, and very few have been able to blow my head of with their sound. Avial was not one of those few bands. It was far ahead of those bands. I have heard their demos on myspace etc but kinda had that Indian musician intution that this was not gonna be as good. That all our hopes would be slashed and put down. That the band would suck. I think i saw four songs by Avial that day and, despite the vocalist having left the band and the turntablist filling in, a drummer who we were hearing for the first time as the drums on the recording are all programmed; these guys were just effortlessly amazing. Someone told me that they have bee ONLY working on this project since the last 5-6 years. I think thats nothing if you can produce work like this at the end of the day. Now, back in Bangalore, the cd plays atleast twice a day in my home and every time i listen to it in a kinda of a dilemma between pride and awe just because of the fact that its an Indian production.
Congrats and thanks guys.
dont stop.

Blues For The Common Man

This is the last song is wrote for the band. We played it once. The first and the last time. 

' Its an early wake up

  Twelve in the noon

  I look around i gotta heat my brew I've had

  Enough of this kinda life

  I've gotta start something new.

  Yeah i'm the wasted kind

  Well thats the common view '

' No time for lovin'  There's no

  Room for 2

  My time ain't comin'

  Any time soon I got

  JUST what i want

  And she knows its true

  Im the wasted kind, 

  Thats the common view '

Everyone takes turns to solo. And then head to double time in blues kinda like the SRV tunes.

 ' Take it slow.

   Take it slow.

   Comeon Take it slow.

   TAKE IT SLOW!!!!!

  Just one phone call 

  It takes thats all

  To take me back into the wretched 

  NEED....i dont like speed

  Take it slow

  Yes im the wasted kind.

  Thats the common view '

Thank you guys. For playing my stuff.

The End

FUCK! I cant believe its been more than 6 months since i wrote. I have been writing though here and there.....few songs, memories and thoughts. Anyway, now i have the time. Just read my last post and its been just too long. Worked on 6 WSR jingles after that plus the usual AV stuff plus also finalised on many other projects. Sent in my music applications as well. Which was quite a load off. Now i need to work on my next audition. Damn.....where's my guitar. Well, Its been quite disappointing lately with the band not being around to jam. Its a jam band after all. So we got this big gig last weekend and i realised that should be it. For me especially it was a very easy and a very difficult decision. The band had a potentially unmatched sound. You might take me for a childish enthusiast but thats what it was. Because of this sound, i was forced to write for this format and hence i wrote some god songs....all of which we played for this last gig. Almost all. Writing those songs and finally sitting down to play jam them wit the band was an awesome feeling. But i think only i felt it. Everyone seemed into it. But maybe i was a fool. Maybe they did not see it coming. MAYBE! JUSt maybe. I was too cool. HAHA. Anyhow i took it upon myself to call it off and i think its right. I cant live in this fake realty of a perfect band which is not there. Good times. Fabulous times. Crazy times. But its times like these we learn to live again. Hey, isn't that a line from a Dave Grohl song? Sheesh how original. Where s my guitar god? Cuz i see a reunion coming.

Return To Forever

Finally. I have the time and the patience to write my blog. PHEW. Where do i start. Its been three months since my last post. Seems like a lifetime. So many things have been happening. Unni left Bangalore and hence the band. I cleared FTII written exam which i wrote before my previous post and NOW they have given out the dates for the second round. I might be applying to Berkelee. SHILPA HAD A BABY BOY!!!!!!! How could i forget that with all my end of day prayers for her etched in my head. Chandy's much awaited peice-BROOD is finally finished and recorded. Working on its mix nowadays. Had a very deep heart to heart talk with many close friends and i love them and am greatful to them for have been patient enough to give me their time. Speaking of which. Its that time when everyone seems to be leaving. I am quite packed and booked with work nowadays, but there are moments when i sit and think to myself that there is noone to go and eat with. Ankit and Raghav have left to the US. So has Cheti. Phoebu has started her hectic course in Mangalore and Akshay leaves to Manipal soon. Aunty Pauline left sometime back and Chandy's departure is also close. Very few people left here to look upto. Only my Aunty is there. Anyhow people come and go and in the long run if only i could interchange my important thoughts with the people....it might make more sense. I feel. Not that the people are not important. I am not playing the guitar at all and am ashamed whenever i think about it so i just dont. Which is bad again. God? Where Are You? Waiting.....

My band in Bombay

Ceasars Palace, my immensely talented jam band from Bangalore did three gigs in Bombay recently. It was big, no huge, for us. Cuz we're just about one and a half years old, and we were called there by the organisers. Hats off to Kishan Balaji Maharaj for doing his smooth talk and getting the gigs. Anyhow. The train journey was majorly uneventful except for the ahem....a eunuch who came and felt my thigh nicely...and i was wearing shorts....ya so...that was it. Anyhow.
We got there and split to out staying locales. Me and Unni were at this amazing guest house which was organised courtesy Uttara, Aunty, and Uncle. Words are not enough to thank this family and how much they love our band. I wonder why. Unnamed feelings. So. It was crazily humid and beer was required every moment. We got their on the day of the performance at Hard Rock Cafe. Me and Unni had to get their after having couple of beers and picking up instruments from Furtado's and Co.(feat. Demonstealer.thanks so much man). Still we find that the rest of the band is late. HRC is a fantastic place and it took a few moments for the feeling to sink in. So while me and unni looked around, stargazing, the manager came up and said-'Boys, the firang is here, from hardrock international, so do your soundcheck soon'. Hehe. I got down to setting my rig up. Took some time because the sound was quite fabulous and we aint used to that. Boys reached very late and by six thirty we were done with the check. Pretty satisfactory. Hats of to the sound guys at bombay. We need to learn how to behave from you guys. Afterwards we hogged on some awesome helpings of awesome free food and one drink each. We were on stage by 93opm and we started off with Wolchod to keep with our funk/soul tag. Crowd took some time to warm up, but by the middle of the set, courtesy some nice playing, a guitar vocal rendition of jeremy, and a drum solo, the crowd seemed to like us. That was the only sad part. They like only covers. I mean bombay out of all the places. Anyway we gave em some Deep Purple, Hendrix, Roadhouse BLues and some other shit to keep em happy. I would say it was a decent show considering its our first time in bombay we got a good response. Happiness. As we clinked our glasses together after the show it was already around one thirty. Demonstealer, Rahul and the boys were there to support us at it felt great. Thanks a lot guys. A certain ahem...manager was missing. Anyway. Put our content heads down for the day at 2 pm. Woke up pretty late the next day and immediately left to colaba to guzzle some beer at Leopold's cafe. Then woke around to the gateway and then rushed back to the guest house cuz it was too hot and we needed to get dressed for the gig. The boys were getting the stuff from furtados today. Late again. Very late. Anyway the gig was a casual unplugged drunk gig where us and the crowd everyone had fun. The place sucked quite a bit, not to my taste. Anyway the show was good, kishan and unni were drunk. Fun. Got back even later this day. The next day was JazzByTheBay, A place all of us have heard about, a place out of which we were expecting a lot. But it was the worst. I dont think anyone goes to jazz anymore. Cuz it was full of floating crowd which kept coming in an out. Plus they had a stupid clause that any band that plays MUST play three hours no matter what. Doesnt work. Anyway. The sound was best here and so was the crowd response but sadly people had lot os things to do so they kept shuffling in and out. Nevertheless it was nice cuz we were really tight. There were some later arguments over drinks etc. Who cares. Never playing there again i guess. They dont know how to respect bands sadly. Nevertheless it was a good fun trip being the first out station trip of the band. From jazz to the airport and back. Bangalore. We love you.

My Babaji(P.D.Backerney)

Yesterday i did something which i had done nine years ago. Cremated my grandparent. Yes, babaji passed away on early saturday morning(21st April). He was sick for the last couple of weeks but thats it. We all thought he will recover and will be back in action but he evidently had other plans. Well this had to happen some day and there is only happiness we can take away from here. Hapiness because he went in peace, without a sound. Because his last few days looked like his good times, mentally. He bonded with his son finally. His son did the same to some extent. All the ceremonies have ended succesfully(i think). Im not sad that i could'nt get to see him. Thats because he was never like that. Making a fuss over small things like this was'nt his way. Im sad that i could'nt help mummy and papa out in the last days when it was needed. But maybe that was planned as well from above. Anyway, its all been so perfect(touchwood) that i dont feel the sting on the 5th day of the demise. He went so happily that it feels like he's still sitting around here somewhere and sub-conciously one waits for his voice to cut through the crowd. I can see him catching up with old friends, dadi and all the innumerable relatives he would have missed during his life after they left him. He looks happy, just like he does in this picture of his that we have put in the drawing room, just like i thought. Cant write much more now cuz the mind is flooded with emotions or lack of them, dont know which. Bye Bye Babaji, JaiRamJiKi.
Would love to come and see you somewhere where u are and share your happiness with you.

Farewell to some heavenly music. Pauline Warjri

I told her myself that words are not enough to say how much i will miss her. But i definitely will try. I remember when i first heard about her. Manroi told me that her aunt is a choir/vocal teacher or something like that. And all i thought was like -'hmmm....nice'. Then few months later i heard that she wanted me to join a choir she had started. I was so excited at the prospect of hearing some new pro music and working with other fellow musicians/singers that i never gave it another thought. It was her patience that struck me first. I at my age itself start getting fed up of kids and their childish behaviours that i quit bands pick on ego s and what not. But here she had the pick of the best young singers in the city and she was so patient with all of them and instead of scolding them or being hard on them she only became calmer. This drove the kids to respect her. And respect she deserves. The standard of music she plays, writes, and lives is nowhere close to what we could dream of achieving in this lifetime. We were in the presence of a musical legend...nothing less. She worked so hard selsfelssly just for the choirs sake so that the singers could go places and sing songs that would change their lives. I really dont know if she had a vision but from her commitment to turning us into better musicians and further...better human beings, it sure seemed like she had one. Although i would not show it but mentally i was definitely attached to this amazing person. Or more appropriately i was in awe of how selflessly can someone nurture music in others. Many came and left the choir for various reasons, But only those who hung around till the end know the value of this unbreakable bond that we share with her now. Its priceless. Even though she leaves us to move to another part of the country, Just to know that somewhere in the corner of her mind she remembers us as she enlightens many other souls with her gift, is enough to make you feel worthwile. We are nothing compared to the musicans and singers she has worked with in the past. But she treated us like the best of the best and gave us the respect which we dont think we deserved. I shall never forget these two years of my life that i spent with her. Even a little time once in a week opened my eyes in ways more than one. She definitely has affected the lives of all the choir members in a most positive way and i hope she knows that. She will be glad. God bless you Aunty Pauline. Thank you for all you did for me and all of us till today. No words will ever be enough to really explain what you mean to us. All this i just wrote now seems like crap to me. But im sure you know how we all feel. God bring you back to Bangalore soon. We love you.

The best things in life.....are free....but then it doesnt really matter.

Well. Word's are'nt enough to talk about the musical experience i had on Monday(05/02/07). I shall never forget this evening. It was a few days back when i went to pick up my bro-in-law that i passed by the Alliance Francais, New Delhi and saw this huge poster hanging there projecting in big letters-'Erik Truffaz Quartet' with a picture of a man with a trumpet. The two things in the poster that kept me interested were-trumpet and quartet. I had to go and see this because it sounded interesting. The entry was free which was even better. So me, my sister and my brother-in-law fix up that we're coming to watch this concert together. Well, come Monday the 5th, the 'together' part did not happen but all of us including two more friends ended up getting our asses to the auditorium in time. On stage was a piano, a jazz kit, and a bass amplifier along with a Fender jazz precision bass guitar standing on a guitar stand. It was getting even more interesting. The show started on time. The band came on stage. Mr. Erik Truffaz(trumpet) and band leader was an elderly man dressed in black with shoulder length hair of blonde nature. Malcom Braff, the pianist looked like a well fed yogi from Rishikesh, with his long black hair and beard. Christophe Chambet looked like the cool groovy bass player who would be in his own world, floating with his liqud gooves. Finally Marc Erbetta looked like any foreigner you would find walking on the streets of Janpath or Connaught Place with his ordinary T-shirt tucked into his jeans, BUT he was a jazz drummer. Well each one, beleive me, each one of these musicians showed that they were anything but ordinary with their two hour performance that followed. They had their own engineer which made things even better as he controlled the sound and effects to convert the show into a top notch performance which every present will remember for a long time, im sure. Erik Truffaz started off proceedings with a beautifully reverbed tone on his trumpet. Chambet added an awesome solid groove next along with the drums and Braff made merry with his impeccable jazz playing on top of all this. The kind of effects that the musicians were creating manually were unbeleivable. From Braff manually fingering the piano to mute his notes and make them sound plucked to Erbetta playing the snare with his hands or with shakers, it was all mind-blowing. The detail with which each note was carefully sorted and neatly arranged to be played was amazing. Erbetta was a monster on the drums with his super speed switched between brushes, sticks, shakers etc combined with his softness and crispness of notes and rolls. Chambet was the grooviest bass player i have heard for a long long time and he kept the groobe while innovating beautifully in-between riffs. Braff is a star, with his virtuouso jazz piano playing and the clever interludes he added to Truffaz's tunes. Of course, Erik Truffaz was brilliant as well, using many modulation effects on his trumpet to give us an infinite pallete of sounds which i never thought could be possibly played live. All in all it was a feeling thats hard to describe when i walked out of the auditorium that evening. All other music seemed very dry to me for the next week. I have been listening to bending new corners every day, several times. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hx7xKVgwSpk. All i came out was with one good picture of the band which i put up here. I sure hope that i get to see them again. Infact, i hope the world gets to see these immensely talented band of ordinary human beings.

Very real....

Well from dreams i would move on to something thats so real yet so beautiful that even the most beautiful dream loses hands down. Creation. Yesterday i took a flight from Bangalore to Delhi(both in India) and sometime before we were going to land in Delhi i was awaken by the air hostess for something after which i did not get sleep. It was an early morning flight of two and a half hours out of which one had already been hibernated to. At this time i could not go back to sleep so i started staring out of the window as there was nothing else to stare at. The air hostesses were so-so, the guy sitting at the aisle was rocking some Michael Jackson on his I-pod and thrusting his neck to the beat while we ate breakfast, plus i was not in a mood to get back into my book as it is a very deep one and needs me to think crazy. The sun was out....we were flying between the first and second layer of clouds of the atmosphere. I think we had crossed Hyderabad sometime back. Then i spotted something really beautiful. It was a serpentine form of blue going through infinite patches of fields which is so characteristic of our country. Ah! it was the most beautiful river i had seen in my life. There was nothing else around it and it occaisionally visited some towns and villages which it liked. The distributaries branched out from the big mother river and took their own paths. The fact that i was watching it from such a great height at such slow motion added to its splendour. I tried to follow the river till as far as i could but could not follow it too far as it never ended. It was a grand river. It was a grand creation. It was a grand thought. Plus another awesome sight was the horizon. I wish i could see such a horizon everyday of my life. To inspire me to do something new, to discover whats on the other side. Never mind i guess ill have to take one morning flight everyday for that. Anyhow it was one of the most fascinating things i have done one my life-looking out of the window of an aeroplane and i was glad i didnt carry my music else i would not have done so. Thank you god for creating such marvels which show us mortals who we are and bring our heads down to where they should be. Wish i could fly. Like Superman. Hup Hup and AWAY!!!!

I Crave to go visit my dreams again

I've been having some really weird dreams for the past few days. They are very satisfying but on the other hand, very unsettling. I kinda like them because since i started having them i wait for sleep so that i can visit them again. Its really hard to describe these but all i know is that there is a person in these dreams who im very happy with. Though this person is a bit sad but i feel so satisfied when im with that person that its a feeling thats impossible to describe. Now here's the weird part. I know this person in real life. Not to well. Spent some time with (her) when i was younger say, in class 9th i think. But none since then. I had a liking towards her then too. But no news since then i have even forgotten how she looks. Out of the blue now 5 years later she s back....in my dreams! Its very very fishy. But i dont know why i like it. I spoke to her about this yesterday cuz i couldn't keep it. Was expecting her to be a little surprised, pissed, or whatever cuz she's little older than me. She wasn't really. She says she remembers everything about me and hopes the dreams are not nightmares. Sigh. Was nice to catch up with her. She wants to see me too. Anyway lets let this be as it is.

Warped conciousness

Last few days, weeks, months, years have been a blurred state of affairs. Seems like ill just snap out of it in an instant. Amazing things have happened in my life. But sometimes when i get out and look at myself from the outside, it seems like that person in front hardly seems to have noticed. I dont like this too much. But as i say this too, its a blur. Im not on smack, neither on any other abuse. I have cut smoking. Drink beer mostly to feel better. Today as I played on stage, i saw my friends, if i could call them, some i love, some i admire, some i hate; they all sat together in sequence. Looking at them cheer made me ask for forgiveness from the almighty. I have a lot of people in my life who i dont like. Thats the way it is. But when some of those people have that glow in their eyes to see you on stage, you feel like slapping urself on your face. Maybe they fake it, thats my biggest fear, actually i know they fake it for the longest time. Why? Leave that aside. But even for the rest of the short time they loved me, It felt good. I was singing my lines, playing my runs, and these aspects of life flashed like the bulbs which were flashing from the front row, and by the time i reached home, these flashes turned into a train which never stopped. I think its minor deceit and lack of character from some( a lot of) people who i thought has tremendous potential has led to this. At this moment i hope this goes away and i mature to find healthy relationships which i cherish in the present and not in the future when they go away or transform into something else. At this moment i'd like to tell you that i never had a best friend and am currently having a slight problem adjusting myself to the attitude of my roommate who is amongst the first friends i ever had and i know him for almost 17 years. Wish i were like calvin. Oooph! these wishes.